The days where I am losing the race are those when the television is on too much, too many foods from cardboard boxes with artificial ingredients are served, too little outdoor physical play occurs. They are the days when we see few if any other people or even manage to leave the lazy comfort of our home. I haven't have a moment to write or create anything. And when I haven't had 2 minutes without a small child at my heels. The days where one or both of my children seem to be switched to constant whine mode.
The days where I'm winning the race-- the one I fight constantly with only myself-- are great. Really. They are the ones where we laugh, we dance, we eat wholesome meals. They are the ones where I happily greet my husband with a smile and kiss when he walks in the door in the evening. The ones where we have had an adventure or even simply successfully tackled another day of preschool drop offs and pick ups and connected with friends. When I have had a chance to tap away on my computer in peace. The ones where, after the kids are tucked in bed, I feel a sense of satisfaction and pride.
(I love the days where I can appreciate something like this.)
I suppose it's the second category of days that gets me through the first, much heavier, more emotionally taxing first. The days where I am losing, sinking in a huge pile of plastic toy quicksand, can come out of nowhere. They strip me of my joy and creativity, my usual enthusiasm for all the little things. At their worst, they are the days I wonder if I am even cut out for all of this at all. Not that there is any going back.
No one is keeping score. Not that I know of, at least. There will be no grade at the end of the term, though there is no real conclusion. But it is nearly impossible for me not to compete against my own picture of how a day should look, how I should be able to care for my children and for myself, and what I should accomplish. It is impossible for me to obliterate my belief that to give my family the very best I can every single day is the only way to succeed at this lifelong marathon.
~Julia @ Frantic Mama