Wednesday, June 10, 2015

New Hospital Rules and Regulations

If you've had your babies in a hospital setting, you know the drill. The tiny rooms, the graying, crispy "gowns," the nurses who take forever to bring you a glass of juice for your parched, exhausted self.

Let's dream, shall we? For people like me, who either must (for surgical reasons) or simply prefer or insist they have their babies in a hospital, let's imagine what the dream hospital setting would be for mothers and their new babies.

1. Good food. I still remember the nasty turkey sandwich I had as my first meal after my c-section with my son. I was starving and basically just said, "I'll take a sandwich!" It arrived an hour later: On white bread (which I don't like), with mayo (which I don't like even more), accompanied by a slab of wet turkey meat. Come on! I ended up having to order pizza in to satisfy my growling stomach. In our dream hospital, let's at least offer some decent sandwiches for our mothers.

Pasta and wine? Yes, please!

2. The gowns. Yes, I'm aware that it doesn't really matter how we look after having a baby-- we are goddesses who just brought life into the world!-- but given the amount of photos people take and that are forever preserved in photo albums (and dear Lord, on Facebook, the tagging! Stop the damn tagging!), don't women deserve to feel even a little bit pretty after a baby emerges from their wombs, leaving their boobs, stomach, back, and nether regions aching? How about a simple, tasteful wrap dress? I'm serious, why not? I'm pretty sure the thousands of money we and our insurance companies shell out could cover a mass-produced 5 dollar wrap dress made of a soft, stretchy cotton.

3.  Generous Nurseries. You should probably stop reading now if you staunchly believe mothers should room in with their new babies from the moment of birth... Still reading? Okay, how does this sound: nurses that actually encourage you to take breaks from your baby, who will offer to take your little bundle to the nursery for a couple of hours so you can sleep a little before taking the baby home? Is it so terrible that a mother might want one last day to shower or sleep alone before the newborn period really takes hold? I think not. Stop making us feel guilty!

There will be plenty of time for this, soon enough:

I'm not saying anything needs to be perfect, but I think things could be improved, don't you?

~Julia @ Frantic Mama

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P.S. The anthology I'm in, Only Trollops Shave Above the Knee, is available now! It's full of fantastic essays written by some very talented and witty writers.


  1. Haha! Wine and comfy cozies? sounds like a great idea to me! My mom- in- law took some gnarly photos of me during my births...luckily she is not FB savvy like that...or heartless and cruel.

    1. I look so ridiculously pale and puffy in all of my post-baby photos. Maybe something more flattering covering me would have made a difference! A bottle of wine for all the moms would be a nice touch, right?

  2. You should move to France. It's like this even in public hospitals. And they teach you how to bathe and dress the baby. You stay for a week. And it's free.

    1. Really?! Wow. I would have loved to stay for a full week to have some extra help before taking a tiny baby home. Are taxes there very high?

  3. I gave birth at home and then a birth center, for Elf, but I really wish that there was just a good photographer on staff who'd come and take pictures after the baby was born, and of the weighing in and things like that. My husband (while he had good intentions) completely failed to take the pictures I was hoping for, and I look awful in the pictures in the pictures we do have of Elf's birth. And I don't have any of Munchkin's immediate post-birth. It's something I'm still upset about, actually. *sigh* Sorry to vent!

    1. I can see why giving birth at home or a smaller center is appealing. I like the idea of it being cozier and less sterile-feeling than a hospital. I couldn't have surgery at home of course, but, oh what I would have given to have a great meal that first day and not have a nurse wake me up with medication/blood pressure checks, etc. every 30 minutes! I don't like how I look in any of our photos either. My husband, however, manages to look amazing in the ones with him! Typical!


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