*I'm so honored that Mamalode and What the Flicka chose to feature this piece. I hope it's because other people's houses are as disastrous as mine.*
I get nervous when people who don't have kids come over to our house. As a mom of a 3.5 year old and a 1.5 year old, I can say with absolute certainty that my house is never perfectly clean. While I have come to pretty much accept this, I still worry that people without kids will not understand that dusting is simply not in my repertoire anymore (unless I happen to have a used napkin balled up in my hand). They won't get the fact that in any given moment a fresh disaster is about to unload on my carpet. Stains, huge primary-colored toys, and sticky countertops are a daily fixture of my life now; I don't see that changing anytime soon.
I get nervous when people who don't have kids come over to our house. As a mom of a 3.5 year old and a 1.5 year old, I can say with absolute certainty that my house is never perfectly clean. While I have come to pretty much accept this, I still worry that people without kids will not understand that dusting is simply not in my repertoire anymore (unless I happen to have a used napkin balled up in my hand). They won't get the fact that in any given moment a fresh disaster is about to unload on my carpet. Stains, huge primary-colored toys, and sticky countertops are a daily fixture of my life now; I don't see that changing anytime soon.
(Our living room was originally going to be a kid-free zone. Ha!)
I've compiled a list to help dear friends prepare for a visit to a
home containing young children. I hope it serves as a warning for what
they are about to see when they cross our threshold:
1. Try to ignore the florescent orange Goldfish crumbs in
your path. I vacuumed the floor an hour a few days ago, but then kids were hungry,
snacks were had, tag was played, wrestling ensued, etc., etc.
2. If there is a "potty trained" kid in the house,
there will be pee on the toilet seat.
3. Yes, my kid looks like a ragamuffin in that faded shirt and
the sweatpants with holes in the knees. He was wearing a nice shirt I
bought on sale at Baby Gap for your visit, but then he ate a Nutrigrain bar and
smeared red jelly all over himself, and this was the only shirt I could grab
within reach.
4. Don't judge me for the cartoon blaring on the television.
If it weren't on, we would have zero chance of having a conversation.
5. To the ladies: Would you kindly consider not wearing your cutest outfit for your visit here? How about a faded pair of yoga pants, your favorite college t-shirt, and a mismatched pair of socks? Also, make-up is completely optional, even discouraged.
5. To the ladies: Would you kindly consider not wearing your cutest outfit for your visit here? How about a faded pair of yoga pants, your favorite college t-shirt, and a mismatched pair of socks? Also, make-up is completely optional, even discouraged.
6. Could you refrain from placing your coffee/glass of
water/beer on a table below waist height? Liquids in our house are
begging to be knocked down within seconds of low placement. (It’s uncanny, the regularity and speed with
which this occurs).
7. Kindly look away from the dust collecting on various
surfaces in our house, as well as the dog hair nestled in the corners, and the
dry, half-eaten sandwich on the table. We cleaned as much as we could
before you came, and this is about as good as it gets, extreme babyproofing and all [see below].
(We were in awe of the dark wood staircase when we toured our house before moving in; now look at it).
8. I beg of you to not cancel last minute or to be
excruciatingly late. It is very likely we have planned our entire day or
weekend around your visit.
9. Please don't ask us what we did last night. We are too tired to make last night's routine sound exciting and fun [and no, we
haven't checked out that new restaurant or seen that new movie with
what's-his-name in it.].
10. Last but not least, in repayment for your consideration
of these requests, we as parents promise not to bore you with endless stories of
potty training, pregnancy complications, and organic pureed baby food.
~Frantic Mama
P.S. If you are a Frantic Mama Facebook fan, you are awesome, but FB doesn't show you all of Frantic Mama's hilarious, touching, and heartwarming posts :). Facebook really wants bloggers to pay for it. But alas, I shall not. So, if you don't want to miss a thing, enter your e-mail address in the form on my blog to receive posts via email (no spam!).
I'm also honored to contribute to: Mamalode & What the Flicka.
